A glossary to corp-speak

I recently wrote a posting about small talk, so today I’m going to take on big talk. Not big in the sense of important or addressing universal truths or even just using big words, but big as in pretentious or bloated. I’m writing about corporate-speak, the twisted, over-wrought lingo that we have to decipher at work on a daily basis. Whether it’s too much use of the “imperial we” or simply an excessive reliance on multi-syllabic terminology (see, I can do it too), business communication has become an oxymoron, neither communicating effectively nor doing it in a workman-like fashion.

What follows then is meant to be something of a glossary to help us all get to the root of what our corporate overlords are really talking about when they get all officious on us. These are some terms and phrases I hear frequently at my job, along with my best shot at de-obfuscation.

“I can support that” – I agree with this and am willing to say so to my boss, when normally I know it’s better to keep my mouth shut.

“Let me reach out” – I’m going to speak with someone or maybe make a phone call or maybe send an email or maybe an instant message to someone who is sitting more than an arm’s-length away from me. Whether or not they respond in any way after my first attempt, my obligation is complete.

“Have a conversation” – This is the same thing as talking to someone, but is meant to sound serious. The only way it could be more serious would be to “sit down and have a conversation”, as the sitting implies the conversation will be happening for a while and you won’t want the other person to be so stunned by your brilliance that they might fall down.

“Wrap my arms (or brain or head) around that” – Trying to understand some new or difficult concept. It used to be only the arms that got wrapped around these things, which at least acknowledged a certain physical reality. The recent addition of brain- and head-wrapping makes me think too much of car accidents involving utility poles, but I guess it’s meant to lend a more cerebral tone.

“Have a nice day”—This is meant to imply that everything under discussion has now been solved and there’s no need for further consideration. If the phrase “thanks for your business” is tacked on, then there’s no point in bringing up the subject ever again.

“I will connect with him or her” – Emails will be sent at some point before the end of the decade.

“I’m writing it on my calendar” – This is meant to show the manager is truly committed to following through on the subject you’ve discussed. Unfortunately, they’re writing it on today’s sheet of their page-a-day calendar which, despite the picture of the funny kitty on it, gets thrown away at the end of the day.

“I will make things happen” – Events will transpire, the earth will spin on its axis and our galaxy will continue to hurtle through space, but chances are your request for a half-day off next Tuesday will be forgotten.

“I need to borrow you” – This is a request by a manager for you to leave your work station and accompany them to some undisclosed destination. Usually bad news that can only be delivered in private will follow, but it’s somehow mitigated by the fact that you’ve just been referred to as an object.

“I have some feedback for you” – It has been reported that you’ve done something bone-headed and I need to rub your nose in it so you won’t do it again. That way, I can tell the person reporting your transgression that we “had a conversation”.

“It has come to my attention” – When an email begins with this phrase, quickly check the sender line because it’s probably from God and you’ll want to respond to Him quickly.

“I want you to own this” – Unfortunately, it’s not a new car. Instead it’s likely some incredibly stupid project that you’re going to be responsible for completing.

“I’m making up that…” – This phrase will preface a theory that the speaker believes which has absolutely no grounding in the factual world. Instead, it’s a random supposition put out as an assumed reality, which makes it really hard to argue with.

“Let me put a bug in your ear” – You’re being told about something that will probably happen at some point in the future and you need to start getting used to the idea while it’s still sounding only hypothetical. Typically, no actual insects are involved.

“Team” – Any collection of two or more people who have some vague relation to each other and a project or goal. Because the team concept is so respected in the corporate world these days, this term is trotted out with increasing frequency. Especially annoying is an email to a group that begins with the salutation “Team!”

“Let me share with you” – I’m going to tell you something in a confidential tone that will soon be known corporation-wide, but I want to tell you personally so you’ll think I’m plugged in to the power center.

“Driving things up or down or out” – Whether it’s physical objects or abstract concepts that have to be somehow moved, the trendiest action word is “to drive” these. Managers drive goods things up, and bad things down or out. I think it makes them feel like cowboys.

“Deep dive” – A thorough investigation that’s accompanied by spreadsheets, data points, bullet points and power points. By the time you’ve finished hearing about one of these, the nitrogen bubbles that accumulate in your blood may mercifully take your life.

“Buckets” – What other people call “categories”, the term bucket is preferred because of connotations it has with feeding and/or cleaning up after farm animals.