President or pal?

Now there’s a new poll showing who Americans would prefer to watch a football game with: Barack Obama or John McCain. I think Obama won narrowly, though the demographic breakdown showed older white men would prefer McCain while younger people and women – who don’t watch football anyway – preferred Obama. This comes four years after the electorate was asked who they’d rather drink a beer with: George W. Bush or John Kerry. Bush won that one, despite the fact he’d probably spill his beer and then swipe yours while you were distracted by the Iraq war.

All this seems symptomatic of the widespread narcissism that makes Americans want elected officials who are like them – just regular guys who have the same potential to goof up and goof off as we do. We’re not interested in the educated candidate who “knows” stuff. Elitist concepts like reasoning and knowledge and an innate curiosity for how complicated things work aren’t traits we care to exhibit, and we suspect those who have cultivated these talents spent way too many Saturday nights in the library when they should’ve been out drunk driving.

I personally just don’t get this. I think I have a reasonable level of intelligence, if Scrabble, Jeopardy and crossword puzzles are any indication, but would I want someone with my limited Florida State University education running the free world? Are you kidding? Despite my half-a-brain, I still consider myself pretty much an idiot. And I’m willing to bet that candidates who finished near the bottom of their class at the Naval Academy and journalism graduates of the University of Idaho are similarly blockheaded, as some of their recent interviews have demonstrated.

I guess we can partly blame the self-esteem epidemic that gives every child a trophy and every student a “B” for making us think that hockey moms, NASCAR dads, Sear’s aunts, soccer cousins and Big Mac-eating gay uncles can be president. How hard can it be to mountain-bike through the Rose Garden while driving the economy into the toilet?

Anyway, this latest survey about the football-watching has made me wonder what other everyday activities we might like to share with our nation’s potential leaders. If such common experiences as being a sports fan or a bloated sot are what we’re looking for, what other indicators might give us insight into who can offer an administration more competent than the current one? (I know, I know, a squirrel could do better than who we have now, but they’re constitutionally barred from the presidency, since they rarely survive to the minimum age of 35).

So let’s pretend these are the questions being asked: who among McCain, Obama, Palin and Biden would you rather share the following?

Having a car accident with – I think I’d prefer Obama, because he’d consider all the factors that went into the accident and realize that neither of us was completely at fault, perhaps finding some way to bring hope to the situation.

Having a baby with – I’m not going with the obvious answer here, because I imagine she’s suffered enough with the five she’s already had. I’ll go with Biden.

Robbing a convenience store with – Here’s where Palin becomes an even more obvious choice. Even if we were caught in full-face color by a security camera, she could claim it was sexist to imply she’d engage in such illegal activity.

Serving as your bagboy at the grocery store – I’d definitely go with McCain here. You know how nice it is when you occasionally get a chatty old retiree instead of a sullen teenager asking your plastic or paper preference? They’re so cute.

Being seated at Applebee’s by – I know I would not choose Palin. How could you trust her when she’d say the salad bar was included as part of all the entrees? When your server told you otherwise and you asked her to intervene, she’d just say change her story and say how she’s against handouts.

Taking your order at a fast-food drive-through window – Seems like Obama would have pretty good hearing to decipher your order through the static, if ear size is any indicator. I don’t trust cheap electronics enough to count on my order being successfully translated by both the restaurant’s microphone and McCain’s hearing aid.

Borrowing a Vicodin from – I somehow suspect Palin tends to hold on to all the mood-altering prescriptions she can get her hands on. McCain probably has a lifetime full of leftovers in the medicine cabinets of his seven homes, so I’d ask him.

Car-pooling with – Obama. Even if he drove on Friday, I could pretend it’s still his turn on Monday and I think he’d just be a nice guy about it and drive twice in a row.

Getting your review at work from – That’s a tough one, since the last time we got reviews at my company was 2004. So I guess I’d go with Kerry.

Coming to your house to fix your cable – Definitely not McCain nor Palin, since I imagine both subscribe to the Ted Stevens theory of how anything high-tech involves a series of tubes. Obama is slim and always seems to be wearing a good sturdy belt, so I think he’d offer the best chance of avoiding those embarrassing waistband malfunctions.

Answering your tech question from a call center in India – Palin, since Alaska is so close to Asia.

Being carjacked by – Definitely Palin. I’ve heard your best chance to safely escape such a horrifying scenario is to take the chance of running away immediately, but I think Palin would show such an impressive display of firepower that you’d resist this probably foolish option and volunteer to lock yourself in the trunk.

Officiating at your child’s peewee football game – Definitely not McCain, unless you’re interested in a defensive battle, since he can’t raise his arms high enough to indicate a touchdown.

Having your teeth cleaned by – Definitely Obama. He has such a nice smile and seems like he’d pretend to be interested in what you have planned for the upcoming weekend.

Discussing whether or not fruit is ripe at grocery store – Palin. She’d get my vote for any question that included the words “fruit” and “ripe”.

Pet sitting your cats – Biden seems pretty reliable for any chore requiring responsibility and feces disposal.

Playing "Rock Band" with – I’m not sure any of them keep up with that kind of music. Isn’t McCain into Abba? Could you play that with “Rock Band” or would your Xbox just explode?

Doing a New York Times crossword puzzle with – Obama, what a Harvard-educated brainiac.

Doing a TV Guide crossword puzzle with – Palin, the regular gal (three-letters: “slang for girl”).

Being elected a leader of the world’s oldest democracy, a refuge for the dreams of all freedom-loving men and women, regardless of their religion or social status – the greeter at Wal-Mart. Seems like they have such good communications skills.