Sarah Palin Chronicles

This whole Sarah Palin thing has me in a bit of a snit. As a white middle-aged male, I’m supposed to go for these Republican ideals that care so much about my demographic and so little about everyone else’s. But then I’d be upset that we’re talking about a mother daring to leave her home and family behind while she joins the workforce. But then I’d be happy that she’s a fundamentalist Christian who believes in the right to life for everyone except maybe caribou. But then I’d be unhappy that she has a pregnant teenage daughter whose baby-daddy calls himself a bad-ass redneck. Wait, I’m supposed to like that last part.

As I say, it’s all a little confusing.

She’s a paradox who’s not fitting well into traditional American preconceptions. As the GILF who could become the nation’s first VILF, the former beauty queen may be spearheading reforms in the corrupt wilds of Alaska (who knew?) and asking for more change than the homeless panhandler outside McDonald’s. Yet she backs the soon-to-fail policies of John McCain who backs the already-failed policies of George W. Bush. She may have the cool glasses, the retro shoes and the ensemble that’s a perfect antidote to Hillary’s pantsuits, but who knows what’s underneath? (The image, I mean, not the clothes).

In order to find out more about her, I’ve been granted the first fake interview to appear on a blog. What follows was fabricated in the wake of the Charlie Gibson interview and attempts to get her thoughts on the issues of the day without thuggish attempts at the “gotcha” journalism of questions like “Do you support the Bush Doctrine?”. So let’s lock and load with Sarah.

What IS the Bush Doctrine?
“We’re very proud of our bush pilots here in Alaska and as governor I fully support their efforts to bring doctorin’ to the remote areas of our state.”

Can you tell us your idea of a practical exit strategy for leaving Iraq?
“As you know, one of my sons has just shipped out to Iraq so this is something that hits me on a very personal level, so much so that I’ve actually had to think about it. I believe our exit strategy should involve having our brave troops eventually climb onto to some very large airplanes and flying the heck out of there.”

What would you do to address the nuclear ambitions of Iran?
“If that’s a different country from Iraq, I would say we need to squash those ambitions. If it’s the same one, then I guess I would reconsider the squashing.”

Bringing the nations of the former Eastern Bloc into NATO seems like a risky strategy for the West. Would you agree?
(Chuckles) “Well, as we hockey moms say, it just increases the deterrence against a preemptive first strike by the Soviet Union.”

The Soviet Union was dissolved almost 20 years ago. Do you mean Russia?
“Right, Russia. As governor of Alaska, you know I’m just across the Bering land bridge from Russia and, let me tell you mister, I’m keeping my eye on them.”

The Bering land bridge? That existed tens of thousands of years ago. That implies you don’t believe the Earth was created by God only 4,000 years ago.
“I pray to God every day to give me the wisdom to figure out where we should lay oil pipelines. And how to explain why people look so much like the great apes and yet are completely unrelated to them.”

What? Never mind, let’s move onto energy policy since you brought that up. Would you consider a military option to protect the natural gas supply going through Georgia?
“Georgia? Is that one of my children? I know this little one I’ve got here in my arms has quite a natural gas supply all his own. Don’t you, sweetie?”

Governor, can you put all the babies down for a minute so we can talk about Putin?
“I was talking about pootin’”.

Okay, well how about the economy then. How do you see the mortgage crisis shaking out?
“As we pit bulls say, the best way to get water out of your fur is to shake it out. I believe the same principle would apply to the mortgage crisis, and I would reserve the right to put unemployment in my powerful jaws and clamp down until we see figures closer to 5.2 or 5.3 percent.”

And what about the status of the dollar?
“I prefer the twenty.”

Right. Well let’s turn now to the government’s recent poor performance addressing domestic needs. I’m thinking about the response to Hurricane Katrina, the Minneapolis bridge collapse, and other evidence that our support system and infrastructure are crumbling.
"Oh, I know all about crumbling infrastructure. There are these glaciers throughout Alaska that are just falling apart. As governor, I’m diverting some of that Bridge to Nowhere money so we can build reinforcing scaffolding to hold those glaciers in place.”

But I thought you said “no” to the Bridge to Nowhere?
“Well first I said ‘yes’, and then I said ‘no’, and then I said ‘maybe’ and finally, ‘we’ll see’. That’s a strategy I use a lot with my large family – makes the kids think there’s a chance their mom is going to do something with them, but doesn’t really commit to it. I thought it would work with the media too, but they apparently take notes, which my kids never did.”

Speaking of the melting glaciers, you’ve denied that human activity has had an impact on global warming. Do you still stand by that assertion?
“Oh, I know all about human activity. You should get a look at what goes on around my dining room table at home when I’m serving up one of my famous polar bear casseroles. Those kids are just a blur when they’re hungry. Sledge and Turbo and Grill and Storm and Hemlock have become such strong individuals because of my hearty cooking.”

Well speaking of “American Gladiator,” what do you do for entertainment , for fun? I mean besides the gunplay.
“What gives me the most pleasure and satisfaction these days is knowing I might be getting the opportunity bring this great country together -- to cover the scars of the last few years with the makeup of hope, to bring the potential of our people to the forefront with the eyeliner of strength, to attract sustainable prosperity with the lipstick of a dynamic economy. And it’s through the designer eyeglasses of democracy that I see this country regaining its justly deserved preeminence in the world.”

Thank you, governor.